(Leaving Pt 3)

Photo by Sidney lima on Pexels.

I don't know if I miss you or the idea of you. 
the action of regarding or representing something as perfect or better than in reality

I idealize people. People I love, people I don't like, people I've met a total of twice. I consume memories like an alcoholic: not because I like the taste of them but because I need them to function, to remind me of who I am. Memories that are saccharine-coated nothings that leave a bitter aftertaste in my hippocampi. Some conscious brain got it right when it named the hippocampus. The word feels fat and self-indulgent. My hippocampi are sleeping on the job; memories come in but they're not filed away for easy access; sometimes I sift through whole piles of memories and sometimes I can't remember anything no matter how hard I try. I remember how I felt when I was with people but I don't remember how they felt unless they told me or I felt it too. Empathy only gets you so far and it's too easy to pretend that you know how other people feel, to project your own emotions on to them in your memories, to idealize them.

I can see the good and the bad in people and the in-between bits that are both or neither. I can tell who I will get along with immediately and who will take a little bit of effort to communicate with in ways that we both understand. But I still romanticize people in my memories. I miss the best version of them that only comes out under special circumstances. I miss the them from my memories, and most of the time, that person doesn't exist anymore. It's like not speaking ill of the dead, except these people aren't dead, they just aren't in my life at this exact moment. And I know how harmful this is, to them and to me, so I gently guide my mind back to reality and think of them as a blank slate; a body walking around with a brain thinking trillions of micro thoughts every day. And a soul that has an identity outside of my lazy rose-tinted memories that are as academic as penny novels.

I give good advice although I rarely follow it. So use me as your example of what not to do; don't use previous versions of people against them by setting them as a standard for the present them. Leave a blank space for them in your mind, a silhouette like the one in the photo above. Because people do change, even if it happens so slowly they don't even realize it themselves.

hey y'all i'm updating whenever i have time now so please subscribe so you get an email every time i post. once you hit the subscribe button, you'll be sent a confirmation email and you'll have to click a link before you start getting the notifications. also, someone asked me where i get the photos for these blog posts. unless there is a citation under them, they're taken by me. most of the ones at the end (including this stop sign lol) were taken on my summer 2017 trip to South Carolina




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